Mockeries.

Birthdays are mockeries. To have a day once every year to remind you of how worthless you are is a bloody mockery. I’ve always lived a life with this mindset that my birth was a jinx; a poor foul unlucky event. To many, birthdays are enjoyable. I wish it’d be the same for me too.

I have always secretly wished that somehow, every birthday would be a day I’d never forget. I’ve always wished that it’d be a relatively big event. Not ever, though. I can’t even remember what I did for my birthday last year. So bloody significant that I totally remembered it. Yea, so much for sweet sixteen. My sixteenth. It ended up to be one of the worst birthday’s ever. The only thing I remember about my birthday was me worrying about whether it’d be the last month I’d spend with him. Guess what, it was. So much for a happy birthday.

I remember the previous year, 2010’s birthday was fairly normal. I can’t remember what happened actually. 2009’s birthday one of the worst ones too. Nothing beats spending your birthday alone. No one wished me happy birthday in fact. I remember waking up that morning and crying so hard because I’d never felt so alone before. So to relieve that feeling of mine I decided to watch a movie, Hancock. I sound pathetic. I feel pathetic. I’m actually on the verge of tearing as I’m penning down all my thoughts. It sucks so bad to think how worthless you are that you’re not even worth to celebrate your own birthday.

Low self-esteem. These words seems to be spinning in a whirlpool of thoughts. One said that my birthday was special. Special. Hm, never really thought of it that way but thanks to whoever said that. I just hope that 2012’s birthday will be good. I remember I promised that 2012 will be my year no matter what. So far the journey’s going great, I’ve never felt so relieved in so long.

Four months left of 2012 and honestly, I’ll miss it. 2012 is my stepping stone; a pick up point from my fallback in 2011.

“Thank you. Thank you so much for finding me. I was so lost and so empty for so long until I met you. Honestly now, if I were to do without you I doubt I’d be able to survive. You helped me pick myself up and you helped me find my way back to my original self. You brought me back to Earth too, with my feet firmly placed on the ground. You cherish me and I swear, that gaze that you hold upon me at times really do take my breath away. No one’s looked at me before and I have to say, I am so lucky to have you. My heart has never been so peaceful for so long. Tears are rolling down as I’m typing this. Not tears of sadness but tears of relief and joy. Please, don’t leave me. I don’t think I can bare the pain once again if I were to lose the one I love. You’ve erased those invisible broken scars of mine and made me brand new again. No one can do that except you and I thank you so much for that. Thank you so so so much for everything that you have done. I love you.”

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