Glimmer of hope and light at the end of the tunnel. Finally, there seems to be an end to this dreadful turmoil.
Tossing and turning from the hard and uncomfortable floor beneath woke me up abruptly from my nap. “2:15am” read my phone as I realized I fell asleep in Annabelle’s room whilst studying. It was awfully chilly I decided to nap a little while longer in my room before waking up to continue my revision.
It seemed only seconds till my alarm clock rang soundly at 4am sharp and I was up for another session of drilling. I washed up and got my books ready when I was suddenly approached by mum who was awaken by the noise made by me. She questioned what I was doing up so early and my response was “to study”. Things went a little rough afterwards as usual which hit my nerves and stimulated me to cry. I hate crying. However, nowadays crying seems to be the only option in relieving the pain held within me.
Surprisingly, situations rapidly improved throughout the course of the day and I met up with my aunt after school. She is the only distant relative I have in Singapore and I am truly grateful for her. She wanted to meet me regarding situations at home and hopefully, improve things by talking some sense into me. I met her at her work place; the Esplanade, and talked things out whilst having lunch. She knows exactly how I feel because unfortunately, she has experienced the exact same as she did in her childhood. Through all her experiences and emotions she has gone through, she constantly reminded me that Mum honestly cares although she does not show it. She urged me to talk things out with her which I blatantly refused. Partly the reason because I do not have the guts and that it’d be awkward, but mostly because I know she would cry. I don’t like seeing Mum cry. It makes me want to cry to and it’d be worse if the reason for her tears was because of me.
As Aunt Sharon talked sense into me, I felt tears swelling up at the corner of my eyes in expression of my guilt. I had that guilt in me all along, just that I haven’t pin-pointed out clearly why it was there in the first place. Slowly bit by bit, all the hidden agendas began to expose and come into light. I suppose I was right; it is my entire fault. I probably wasn’t sensitive enough and had too much pride in myself. Due to that, I hadn’t been able to make the first move in amending things. Nevertheless, Mum made the first move by informing me she has bought food for me for lunch. Unfortunately, I had to tell her I was going out with her sister and would be home late.
I’d say things are getting better at an extremely slow rate, and that there is still much room for improvement. I’m taking this slow and one step at a time. I would not want to rush things which in turn, may turn out dreadfully nasty. I’d like to thank the Lord for answering my prayer. He really is so wonderful.
To be honest, I wouldn’t want another mother. I would not trade with anybody else in this world for a new mother. She’s perfect for me, despite the fact that sometimes she can be so unnerving at times. No incorrect, ALL THE TIME. She has her flaws, and I have mine too. She may say hurtful things on impulse but nevertheless, she will always be my mum. There will be times where I disregard her my attitude may drive her up the wall but hey, 10 years down the road we’ll be laughing at those memories made. Won’t we? I’m thankful for her. I’m thankful that she has groomed me and provided for me up till this very day. I owe her so much and I wish that somehow, I can repay her everything that she has done. Thank you Mum, thank you for everything. I am so sorry for letting you down.
“Bear with each other and forvive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” – Colossians 3:13