Chapter 2012: Page 15/366

You are my strength

You are my strength.

 

I’m confused. I have guilt weld up tightly that lies deep behind my mask of smiles, whereas the other part of me feels nothing at all. During my third tuition of today held from 5-7pm, I started to feel that this chaos in this family was my entire fault. “Am I the cause of this?” I start to wonder. It has been more than 10 days since this cold war began.  I wonder how this may last.

She mentioned that she isn’t going to cook my share anymore. Fair enough. It’s a mutual feeling; I don’t want to eat anything made from her unless I am absolutely famished. Neither does she do the laundry for us. Now here is what bugs me: I don’t have the time at all to do my laundry during the weekdays. Can’t she even spare the slightest moment to kindly do it for us? For the sake of our O’s? Everything piles up till the weekend and when it comes to Friday, I merely have just enough to clothe myself for school. Occasionally, I compromise; which is absolutely revolting but nevertheless it has to be done.

I can’t believe I was right; you really don’t play your role in being a mother. You have 3 kids to tend to and yes I know it can be a handful, but you still got to treat all of us equally. I did treat you respectfully once upon a time until you unconsciously mental abused me. Yea, it got horrible. I felt like I was useless and my existence was just pure bad luck for you. You’re telling me to update you when I’m home and what not. What use is there at all, you don’t care about me I don’t care about you. It’s a damned mutual feeling alright. “So that I know to include your share for dinner.” For Pete’s sake I don’t want your stupid dinner. I don’t want you to do anything for me. You can go chill and relax and continuing not giving a damn about me for all I care. The last thing I want is for you to care about me k. I don’t want your concern.

Why is everything revolving around a stupid phone. “Leave your phone outside” or “Why are you on your phone so much“or “Remember our deal of leaving your phone outside?”. Okay. One thing I want to note is that THERE IS NO BLOODY DEAL ANYMORE. I DON’T HAVE TO LEAVE MY PHONE OUT BECAUSE NUMBER ONE: IT’S NOT MY ORIGINAL PHONE AND NUMBER 2: EVERYTHING’S LIMITED. NUMBER 3: I DON’T EVEN TEXT ANYBODY AND FREAKING NUMBER 5: I DON’T BLOODY USE IT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. Stop thinking that everything is about the damned phone. Phone this phone that phone everything. I’m not so pathetic. I have not even opened my mouth to ask for my HTC back okay because for the last time, IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PHONE.

Lastly, I really don’t take consolation at all unless you’re my sister. Practically because no matter how much you say you’d understand, you don’t. So leave it. If you’re going to just keep saying “Be happy” or “Cheer up” or “Things will get better” or worse, say “Calm down dear” when I’m frustrated then really, forget it. You think I don’t know all that? You think that I’m not trying to “Cheer up”? I may seem happy because fortunately I have grown accustomed to not mourn over my aggreviances as if I have nothing better to do. I do have other important things to fill my head. Just because I’m smiling does not mean I’m happy. Everybody has their own stories. You can be my listening ear and get me back to who I was before or perhaps make me forget about it just by talking silly nonsensical stuff with me but no, not consolation. It’s pointless. It just does not work for me.

I apologise if I sound harsh but that is reality for me now. Unlike last time, most of my feelings now are better left unsaid. If somehow your pestering and constant concern has truly convinced me of your sincere sympathy then lucky you, you have earned my trust. Other than that if you have no intention in making me feel better, I’d rather you keep your sympathy and consolation to yourself. I don’t need it. Like I said earlier, I don’t tend to grieve and mourn over unfortunes. If you’re here to remind me about them without making me feel better then leave me alone.

Despite all this has happened today, today has been good. Every day to me is always good for the Lord has given me a chance to learn from yesterday’s mistakes. Life is about learning, knowing, understanding and adapting. You can’t know without learning, neither can you adapt without understanding. There is also a difference between knowing and understanding. I can know something but not understand. Like for example, I know she is being cold towards me, but I don’t understand why. In addition, just because I don’t do or show, does not mean I don’t know or understand. Take for example: She thinks I’m all dumb and shit for not updating her on my whereabouts, but in fact I know and understand why I have to do it. I just don’t want to.

My ranting is over and no doubt has today been a busy day. Once again, it is the end of the week and school will resume tomorrow. Oh boy, another tiring week it will be. However, all is not to be feared.

Immanuel. God with us.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” – Psalm 23:4

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