Hypophrenia: A vague feeling of sadness, seemingly without cause.
I’m giving up this hope that he’ll ever come back. I want him to come back begging for me not because i want him back, but to give him a taste of his own bloody medicine. I am over and way over him. He just needs to know what he has lost. If he does come back apologizing, no way in hell will I give him another chance.
Melancholy, distressed, blue, hypophrenia, are several words to describe my emotion right now. I am not too sure why I am feeling like this, perhaps I am PMS-ing (yes my monthly is to due to come in a few days time). Or perhaps it is just a build up of unsaid emotions from everything that has happened in the past week. Is there no love left for me in this hopeless place?
I’m not saying I want love from either of them, nor am I saying I want attention, in fact I am really confused of what I want. I’m in a really messed up state; my mind and soul are in all sorts of places, feeling all sorts of emotions.
Lord, please save me from this perplexed anguish. What is the purpose of this lesson, Almighty Lord? Please shine your light on me and enlighten me.
“My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long?” – Psalm 6:3
However, these feelings are negligible and will not affect me. Or, am I living in denial? I may be pushing these feelings aside time and time again but they may after all they may play an important role in my daily life. Admittedly, it is sad. Nevertheless, life goes on.
Friday the Thirteenth. I think today is a unique day. In fact everyday is unique. Blessed is the Lord.
“No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven.” – Philippians 3:13-14
I am extremely grateful for the wonderful friends I have around in school. These people are mainly from House; a group of people where we all hold a leadership title called “House Leaders”. Us House Leaders I’d say, are one of a kind. We are a group of people with similar personalities and characteristics. As one, we lead the school, we motivate the school, we encourage the school. We are shameless and we are not afraid to express our feelings openly. This is simply because we feel that every opinion of one’s voice contributes and matters a lot. One quote that seems to be replaying in my mind is this:
“Being a leader does not only lead others, but also leads their own life.”
This brings me to my next highlight of the day. House Training which was held after school has ended and once again, I did not feel like going home. It was only 5pm and Mick and I decided to stay back till 6pm to catch up and talk. It was not a normal catch-up conversation two party has when they have not conversed or met up for a long time. This time it was different. Many views and opinions laid deeply within our conversation.
Firstly, I want to say that Mick isn’t the average ‘girl’ you meet everyday. I wouldn’t call her a ‘she’, for most of her aspects are more towards the masculine side. However, this has no effect on me at all for she is who she wants to be and I have absolutely no objections towards it. In fact, I am really thankful to know her and to regard her as one of my House mates, as well as a close friend. She really is someone I can relate life to, as well as someone who shares common views with me. (Hi Mick, I know you’re reading this and please don’t be awkward when you’re around me next time kk:D) She is one of a kind; someone really distinct and queer, but yet so unique. I am a person full of curiosity and somehow, of depth. This contributes to the factor of my extreme liking of unusual (which I prefer describing it as unique) phenomenons.
The topics we conversed for ranged from religion, all the way to the warping of time. We covered masses amounts of categories, all lavished with our opinions and views. I’d say we had a mini discussion. Like I mentioned previously, we both share the same views on similar subjects. However, they do differ slightly.
Take for example, religion. She is a non-believer for she is more towards of a logical thinker. The thought of the world being sprouted from only two people; Adam and Eve was a total illogical concept for her to accept. In other words, we are all in some ways, incest. Many have their own arguments on the concept of religion and the content of the Bible; I fully accept. Yes, I used to think like her and in fact, I still do think the same way. In one way or the other (and no I am not doubting Christianity nor insulting God), some facts in the Bible seems a little illogical to me. I am more of a scientific person and I like to think of aspects in a more theoretical and logical form. Coherently, I’d like to have evidence. Some things just do not match up in the scientific world.
Do not get me wrong. I am still a believer and but that does not stop me from appreciating the fully explained theories of the scientific world and I do believe in evolution. In contrary, there is a quote which says “Seeing is believing” and I strongly disagree. There are some phenomenons which need not need to be explained. Simple because they happen because they happen. We just have to accept it. I believe there may be consequences if the hidden agendas behind these phenomenons where to come out to light. Some things are better if they are left unexplained.
For many centuries and up till this very date, many are still debating over Evolution and Creation. Mick told me her theory of religion. Evolution of course, revolves around the theory of the Survival of the Fittest. Being able to survive, one has to overcome obstacles and she believes that each and everyone has someone up there to guides us. This however, has been mutated over time and became a form of religion which evolved to the existence of God. She has her views and I do not blame her. After all, everyone is entitled to their own opinions.
Another interesting topic we discussed I’d like to bring up, was the topic of life. Life, is simple but yet so sophisticated. Simple and sophisticated in the sense that we are entitled to who and what we live for. I can be living my life now, simply just by passing time, but am I really living it. There is a difference between living and existing. Someone may exist to you, but you don’t know them. It goes the same for life. You may exist, but you may not be fulfilling your purpose.
“What is life? What is the purpose of life? What is the purpose of your life?” are questions I bombard myself and others time and time again. “What is the purpose of your life” I feel, comes under the category of “What is the purpose of life” which in turn comes into the main category of “What is life”. In my theory, if you do not know the purpose of your life, you would not know the purpose of life which you subsequently would not know what life is. I question people and the feedback I get are answers like “to be happy” or “to get a good job” or “to have a family”. Of course, these are good purposes, but are you living for them.
Some say they live for God. I agree, I live for God too. However, ask yourself: Do you know what you’re living God for? Do you know what His purposes for you are? That’s where you start to question yourself and somehow you can’t come to a conclusion. That’s when you go back; go back to the first question I have asked: “What is life?”
What is life?
Upon asking several about this question made me realise something; many answers that I have concluded from different people all narrows down to one main factor:
Life is about fulfilling your purpose; God’s purposes if you are a believer. Then you may ask yourself “What is purpose?”. Purpose means reason; a reason in doing something which in this case, living. Why do we live? I believe everyone in this world has their own stand and their own meaning for living. If one of us did not exist, a series of chain reactions will happen.
Let’s say for example: I took the bus 186 at approximately 6:45pm today from a bus stop some distance away from my school. Let’s say I did not exist and therefore, did not take the bus. The bus driver uncle would not have to stop at the bus stop to pick me up which he could have then carried on driving to the next bus stop. If he had not picked me up, he would not have had to stop at the red traffic light which in turn could have shortened his journey through his original bus route. This is where the series of chain reactions could happen:
Somebody driving a car may have been rushing to their destination and this particular 186 bus which was in front of their vehicle had to stop for a particular person near Crescent Girls’ School which then subsequently had to stop at a red traffic light (inhales deeply). This then causes the person who is late to have missed an important meeting once they have reached their destination and could have then possibly gotten fired from his/her boss. This results in less income for him/her which results in less food for his/her family (yes, I am getting very Geography-ish). If I had not existed, he/she may not have been late and this result may have not occurred. The possibilities are endless but there is a point in what I am trying to bring across – everyone has a part to play in this world.
Going back to my point of what life’s purposes are, Mick shared the purpose of her life and that is to create a change in the inhumane aspect of this world. This will be done so first by focusing in her studies to get into ACS(IB) which afterwards get into either Yale or Oxford University. Her wish is to be part of the UN (United Nations) and hopefully exterminate all famine, riots and any form of corruption in this world. Inspiring, isn’t? Big dreams they are, but what are dreams if they are not big and seemingly unrealistic?
That is her purpose; to make a change in the world. Whereas mine? Mine is somewhat on the same lines of making a change, but it is more towards discovering. I aspire to become a marine biologist or perhaps an astronomer; both involving the theme of discovery. I do not wish to rediscover, but more towards being adventurous and taking risks which will lead to my own discovery. This discovery I hope, will be the missing puzzle of some things left unexplained which will be useful in terms of scientific explanations. I think this world and universe is too vast to discover everything but we all have to start somewhere.
I know as a fact that less than 5% of the ocean has been explored because of the risks and limitations one can manage. The ocean is deep, and it is very deep. God knows what lies within the undiscovered 95% and this has sparked an interest in me. This goes the same for the Universe; outer space. There is still so much left yet to be discovered.
I choose to work towards my goal of becoming an astronomer or a marine biologist not because I want to, but because I desire to. In my theory, there is a difference between want and desire. I may want to become a doctor, but chances likely I would be are low simply because I only wanted to. If you desire to be something, you would have this burning passion in you body that will last for many years and that desire will be your purpose. Your purpose for everything. My dream job will be my purpose in my life to study hard and to live hard. That is my purpose to study, not for life. My purpose in my life would be to discover, discover and hopefully make a change. This in turn answers my question to “What is life?”. The answer, is simply purpose. To me, life is all about purpose.
“For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” – Ephesians 2:1
I’d like to end this extremely meaningful recount with this question that Mick has asked me today:
You are at the driver’s seat of a tram and somehow at the end of the track, it splits into two. On one track there is 1 person whereas the other, there are 10 people. You need to continue your journey and you are heading towards the track where the 10 people are. You cannot risk your own life and you cannot go back. Would you risk 10 people for that 1 person? Or would you steer to the other track where that 1 person is to save 10 people. (Supposing that the 10 people will not cushion the impact and all will die)